Listening involves far more than just hearing words and sounds. It includes motives, moods and influencing factors as well as non-verbal messages used by all of us. In a sense, it is an honest attempt to become the other person. The attempt to see events through the other person’s eyes should not become the thinking error of mind reading, but it should be an effort to see issues from the other person’s point of view.

    A good listener learns to see aggressive, problem people as emotional pain carriers, desperately in need of escape behaviors. When we do this our condemnation is turned into compassion.

     Parents are often so busy attempting to get their child to see their point of view, they fail to see the event through the eyes of their child. The child’s view may be incorrect, but it is the view that must be addressed if the problem is to be solved.

    A good listener makes the effort to create good listening conditions by working to remove obstacles hindering the listening process. People who want to be heard seek out quiet places that are free of distraction.

     A good listener attempts to see issues through the other person’s eyes. This is difficult to do when we are convinced that the other person is mistaken or just plain wrong.

    A good listener strives to understand not only what is being said but also the reason for it being said. A good listener engages in reflective listening by carefully repeating back what the other person said but putting it in their own words.

    Hearing sounds is easy. Learning to truly listen takes effort and hard work. Hearing what we want to hear is easy. Hearing what is really being said and the reason for it being said requires serious effort. Most people suffer from serious flaws in their listening process and are not at all aware that they do. Listening is a skill that requires a lot of intentional effort, hard work and practice to master.

 Ron Wilkins

Removing Emotional Pain